Dog / Cat Humour


        

The above Video Is one Of the funniest I have seen. Someone very clever has voiced over 
The dogs mouth and actions if you do not laugh at this then I will be very surprised. Click on
The Bottom of this page to share with Facebook, Twitter etc. Enjoy

As always there is a lighter side to dealing with pets. Here are some of my favourites:

dog joke

How to photograph your puppy.... 
 
1. Remove film from box and load camera. 
 
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. 
 
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 
 
4. Choose a suitable background for photo. 
 
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus. 
 
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. 
 
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. 
 
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. 
 
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. 
 
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 
 
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. 
 
13. Put magazines back on coffee table. 
 
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. 
 
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. 
 
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!" 
 
17. Clean up mess. 
 
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning. 

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb one either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm-holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse/partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse/partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse/partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey to compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw blooded T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. You can be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 4 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to accident and emergency dept, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. wrap something to eat round it.

 


 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Make me.

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeeky toys in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shephard: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my light?

Hound: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 


Why Dogs are Better Than Kids 

 
1.  It does not take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.  
 
2.  Dogs don't care if the peas have touched the mashed potatoes.  
 
3.  The average cost of sending a dog to school: $42. Average cost to send a kid: $103,000.  
 
4.  Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.  
 
5.  You don't need an extra phone line for a dog.  
 
6.  Dogs never resist a nap.  
 
7.  Dogs can not lie.  
 
8.  Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.  
 
9.  No "Generation Gap".  
 
10.  Dogs often wag their tails after getting shots.  
 
11.  Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.  
 
12.  If your dog turns out bad, your genes are not blamed.  


 

The Dog's Rules (according to the dog)

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

 


 

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

 

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They tend to go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 


 

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Both fart shamelessly.

8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

9. Both like dominance games.

10.Both are suspicious of the postman.

11.Neither understands what you see in cats.


 

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

A dog's parents will never visit you.

A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

A dog never expects you to telephone.

A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

A dog does not shop.

 


 

IF

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when it's no fault of yours,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, colour, religion or politics,

 

Then, my friend you are almost as good as your dog..

 


 

DICTIONARY OF DOG WORDS...

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

DUSTBIN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEAD: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times until your person makes you stop.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.



Dog Quotes 

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit,
you would stay out and your dog would go in."

- Mark Twain



"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."

- Holbrook Jackson



"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

- Andrew A. Rooney



"To his dog, every man is King;
hence the constant popularity of dogs."

- Aldous Huxley



"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

- James Thurber



"Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god
and a dog to a man."

- Ambrose Bierce



"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend:
and inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx



"A dog is not "almost human," and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such."

- John Holmes



"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."

- Woodrow Wilson



"The disposition of noble dogs is to be gentle with people they know and the opposite with those they don't know...How, then, can the dog be anything other than a lover of learning since it defines what's its own and what's alien."

- Plato



"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make
a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you,
but he will make a fool of himself too."

- Samuel Butler



"If you take a dog which is starving and feed him and make him prosperous, that dog will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man."

- Mark Twain



"Liberals are like dogs:

The liberal holds that he is true to the republic when he is true to himself. (It may not be as cozy an attitude as it sounds.) He greets with enthusiasm the fact of the journey, as a dog greets a man’s invitation to take a walk. And he acts in the dog’s way too, swinging wide, racing ahead, doubling back, covering many miles of territory that the man never traverses, all in the spirit of inquiry and the zest for truth. He leaves a crazy trail, but he ranges far beyond the genteel old party he walks with and he is usually in a better position to discover a skunk."

- E. B. White



"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,
quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love
and always have to mix love and hate."

- Sigmund Freud



"No man can be condemed for owning a dog.
As long as he has a dog, he has a friend;
and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has."

- Will Rogers



"Recollect that the Almighty, who gave the dog to be companion of our pleasures and our toils, hath invested him with a nature noble and incapable of deceit."

- Sir Walter Scott



"The dog is man's best friend.
He has a tail on one end.
Up in front he has teeth.
And four legs underneath."

- Ogden Nash - An Introduction to Dogs



"If you can't decide between a Shepherd, a Setter or a Poodle,
get them all ... adopt a mutt!"

- ASPCA



"To err is human:To forgive, canine."

- Anonymous



"I talk to him when I'm lonesome like,
and I'm sure he understands.
When he looks at me so attentively,
and gently licks my hands;
Then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes,
but I never say naught thereat,
For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes,
but never a friend like that!"

- W. Dayton Wedgefarth



"In the world which we know, among the different and primitive geniuses that preside over the evolution of the several species, there exists not one, excepting that of the dog, that ever gave a thought to the presence of man."

- Maurice Maeterlinck - 'Our Friend, The Dog'


.

 

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This article was written by ©Stan Rawlinson (The Original Doglistener). A professional full time Dog Behaviourist and Obedience Trainer.

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